Wishful Thinking

Finding Neverland again...

2006-02-26T02:51:00.000-06:00

Four for four. I just watched it for the fourth time and that was the fourth time I've cried from watching it. Not very manly...

I've been wondering why I still write here anymore. I check other people's blogs and no one has written anything in months. That means they haven't checked their blogs, which means they sure as hell haven't checked mine. Oh well. It gives me an oppertunity to vent. I guess I can write all my deepest darkest secrets here and no one will care. Here goes.

I'm thinking of someone. I'm sure from that sentence you can tell the someone is female. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. A lot more than I should. A lot more than is probably healthy for me. I tend to do things like that a lot, though. I'll give you the rundown. She's sweet. She's pretty. She's fun. She likes to play video games. She reads a lot. She can hold her own in a room full of badmouthed, cruel, and unyeilding boys. She's absolutely everything I could ask for right now, but she's so far away... And she has a boyfriend. I really need to get over her, but not a single bit of me wants to.

I'm at home right now. Norman was stressing me out beyond reason. Being home has helped. By chance, I came home for my Dad's birthday. I had to get away from being treasurer and trying to be an engineer. It's nice to see my mom, too.

Insert: for those of you who didn't know, my mom had cancer. She's finishing up her chemo. It stresses me out without me even knowing. It's like a cloud that lingers behind me, just waiting to pour, and I know if it does I'm going to need all the help I can get. I don't want to think about that though.

Anyway, Neon Genisis Evangellion is on, and that's my favorite anime, so I'm gonna go watch. Thanks, blogger, for reading my post. And thanks if anyone else out there is actually reading. Even if you don't say anything, it means a lot to me that people care to check up on me.

Damn it feels good to be a gangster

2006-02-20T19:19:00.000-06:00

So I'm in a good mood which doesn't happen much, so I'm going to waste it on a post that no one is going to read. Owned.

Actually, I really don't have anything to say, and that's probably why I'm in a good mood. So yeah. Fuck it. I'm out. Peace.

Huh...

2006-02-15T10:09:00.000-06:00

Two days ago I was depressed about spending valentines day alone.

I got a valentine.

Yesterday I was depressed because I saw my valentine once, and that was only to take her to target because she doesn't have a car.

Today I am depressed because valentines day has come and gone and not a god damned thing has changed from two days ago.

I'm getting way to used to being alone.

Somebody please help me...

2006-01-28T20:48:00.000-06:00

I'm giving up... I've been nauseous for almost two and a half weeks straight. I don't know what it is. I've been to the doctor and they don't know what it is either. I don't do anything anymore because doing anything makes me vomit. On top of that I have nothing to live for. I don't believe in a God. The idea is just pathetic and stupid, but if you feel like living for some ancient mythology go for it. No one ever said you had to think for yourself. What's worse is now I've given up on the love of my life. I'm tired of loving her and never being able to do anything about it. I'm not her love. I'm just that guy who's 7 hours away that she knows from highschool. Do any of you have any idea how hollow my life feels right now? Somebody please come and save me from this bullshit. It's killing me. Oh well. What should I care. I don't have any reason to be alive anymore. Somebody worry about me, please. Apathy is so much worse than depression...

2006-01-20T11:53:00.000-06:00

Well this is how shit has gone down lately:

Every time I move, every time I read, every time I watch TV, every time I eat, every time I close my eyes I feel nauseous. Everything I do makes me want to puke, and most of the time I do. On top of that, now I can't sleep. I'm going to the doctor today. Maybe I'm just dying.

Classes started. They shouldn't be too bad. Almost all my classes are MWF. I have none on Tuesday and only one on Thursday.

Jesse is supposed to come to Norman today so we can go see Underworld: Evolution with Cody. He hasn't called my yet, but I left a message. Would be nice to see that kid again. I miss him.

"Look what I have found: a seashell in a sea of shells. I'm good at planting my own seeds to spread an endless earth."

A Perfect Circle

2005-12-13T21:06:00.000-06:00

Western civilization is obsessed with the triangle, while Eastern civilization is focused on the circle. The circle is an improbable shape. It represents infinity, and infinity cannot truely be comprehended by the human mind. All shapes besides the circle can be formed by the combination of any number of triangles, but the circle is, in reality, unacheiveable. No circles exist in the tangable world. Time is believed, by western civilization, to travel in a straight line, while the eastern religions believe in a circular path of existance. This "perfect circle" represents a boundary of the human mind, and until man can forget the catigorization and division of everything he believes he understands into parts and accept the world as a whole, then life will never be understood. Energy, the most pure and simple idea in existance, the most basic of structures, shapes itself in curves, in circles, in spheres. Therefore, man must not pick apart existance to understand it, but rather he must become existance himself. Only then will he understand.

Finals week.

2005-12-11T17:00:00.000-06:00

So I guess next week I'll be in Southlake? I'm staying there for the break. First time in my whole life that I haven't gone up to New Jersey. I may still go anyway to hang out with my cousin. We'll see.

Still dreaming about you...

New...

2005-11-15T16:59:00.000-06:00

Such a change...

Such a shift...

Such a difference...

"A candle flickers violently before it goes out..."

Do you ever

2005-11-03T01:15:00.000-06:00

take a step back and wonder when, where, and how you fucked everything up?

It's sad really...

2005-10-03T19:09:00.000-05:00

You all lie, cheat, and steal to get the things that you want. You all act with complete disregard for the feelings, wants, even needs of others simply to take as much as you can for yourself. It makes me sad to know that I'm the only person I can think of OUT OF EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT I KNOW that acts with sincere honesty and concern for others. Well, as I've now judged all of you, you have full rights to call me a hypocrite and an asshole, you have full rights to hate me and say whatever you want. I will continue to live as I always have, and you can continue to walk all over me. Talk me up, take what you want, and trample all over me. I don't mind. Go for it. It's not like it's ever going to stop anyway, so why should you restrain yourself? Have at it. Tear me to pieces to take the enjoyment you crave. Bludgeon the very structure of my person and my soul to slake your lusts. The whole world is going to, why shouldn't you?

Concert

2005-09-20T18:47:00.000-05:00

I went to see Weezer open for Foo Fighters in Dallas last thursday. This is what I have to say:

OH

MY

FUCKING

GOD

THAT

WAS

FUCKING

AMAZING

!

Best concert ever. Possibly the best four hours of my life. Sorry if you thought you had dibs on that. Dave Grohl is a god, a saint.

I want to see The Corpse Bride. John said he would see it with me this weekend. We both loved A Nightmare Before Christmas, so we both have very high hopes for this movie. Hopefully it doesn't let us down.

I've kind of been keeping up with other people's lives as best I can lately. I found that high school students are extemely ignorant. I won't lie, I was that way too when I was in high school, but it still kind of amuses me.

Jill says "Hi."

ONCE AGAIN, QUIT FUCKING READING THIS! YOU DON'T PAY FOR COLLEGE TO READ MY BLOG! GO STUDY!

Cal says "Howdy," too.

Oooo, we're going to see The Brothers Grim at 9:50 tonight. Should be good.

And now for a quote by myself:

"Were you a tree, in shade I'd be.
Were you the sand, so soft I'd stand.
Were you the tide to carry me
so ever far, far out to sea,
then we would live, so long, happy."

Woot.

Norman

2005-08-29T12:43:00.000-05:00

Yeah, it's been a long time. I've been really busy. School started. Classes suck, but being with all my best friends makes up for it. Norman is alright. It was really handy having everyone I knew live within walking distance. Now some people moved to apartments so I don't get to see them all that much. Kinda sad.

Cody, Jill, Miranda and I are going to the Foo Fighters/Weezer concert Sept 15th at Smirnoff in Dallas. It's going to be amazing. It's Miranda's birthday present from me so I hope she has fun. They are two of her favorite bands, so I'm told, so I have little to worry about, but no one likes giving a crappy birthday present.

Go to class. Quit being lazy. Stop reading. You aren't paying for college to read this.

Whatever happened to the young man's heart.
Swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart.

Good song, you should figure out what it is and go listen.

Rush started this week. Nobody likes it, but it'll help us get a lot of guys, so we do it. This semester should be a really good one as long as nobody fucks up bigtime.

Garrett Brown took a chunk out of his knee while mopping... Mopping... MOPPING... wow...
We took a picture. I don't mean he cut his knee. He moved the skin around and Cal and I saw his knee cap. Needless to say, being the woman I am about pain, blood and tears, I nearly vomited. Call was super excited. We still don't know why. Apparantly the handle on the end of the shaft broke off, and while in the process of mopping vigorously and at high velocity, Garrett did not have time to stop the forward to backward pattern and ended up driving the now exposed metalic cylinder into the skin of his leg joint. He had to get stitches.

Does anyone else think that they will be lonely forever?

I'm at work...

2005-07-25T15:45:00.000-05:00

but as you can probably guess, I'm not working. So it's been a crazy long time since I posted. I haven't been doing anything really. Here's a list of thoughts I've had lately:

1. I quit smoking cigarettes for someone I didn't even know I cared about so much until she asked me to.
2. I remember when it was legal to hit on 14 year olds.
3. "Robert isn't here today? THE CORNER OF THE WAREHOUSE IS MINE!"
4. A song that says "You say you love me, love me again, but if you love me, where have you been? You say you need me more than anyone else. Well go to hell. Where have you been?" makes me think of someone, and thinking of their face only makes me smile. How does that work?
5. Chill?
6. Food?
7. Chill?
8. Chill HD Chill Food Drive Chill?
9. Woodhollow?
10. I'm going to norman on thursday and I'll probably get so drunk I'll end up in the hospital.
11. I haven't seen Jesse in forever and I miss him.
12. I want to buy a new guitar, but my mom would notice $300 missing from my account.
13. My computer is falling apart.
14. Robert Plant?
15. Why did I take the time to come up with 15 thoughts?

Anyway, I should probably get back to work now, but I'm probably not going to. Later.

I just wrote this...

2005-06-15T00:40:00.000-05:00

and I think it's really good. I'll paste it as is w/o caps 'cause that's how I wrote it. I don't know if it's a song or a poem or both, but maybe I'll chose one or the other and make it into one. Here:

sleeping where no one goes
dreaming where no one thinks
holding the thought of happiness tight
searching for my missing links
clutched as a doll to a daughter's dress
mine to hold and have and know
not to share for i have earned it
this dream of sleep where no one goes
spark of hope alights the way
breaks in pattern fall across the land
deepest dark of your whole soul
all the while we're losing sand
dreaming where no one thinks
sleeping where no one goes
trying to find that piece of me
the piece of me that no one knows
sit and watch this puppet show
my strings hold you up to the dance
but i'm the dancer, jester, hatter
looking to find just one more chance
not with love or truth or grace
this dream i have of tiny trees
eagles feathers mar my arms
Icarus high above the seas
wrap it up and pull it down
dreaming not what others know
spirit tales of worse betrayal
sleeping here where no one goes
~7-17-05 12:30am

Anyway, it means a whole whole lot, a lot more than I ever thought I'd know how to put into something like that. Guess that's all... night...

Finding Neverland...

2005-05-24T21:59:00.000-05:00

I've watched it twice now, and both times I've cried. I don't mean a tear down my cheek. I mean head stuffed into my pillow bawling. This is why:

The movie tells the tale of Sir. James William Barrie, the writer of the well known play, Peter Pan. The point of Peter Pan is that if you pretend and believe in something enough, it will come true. In the case of the play, Peter Pan stays young forever because he believes it's true. Anything can happen in Neverland as long as you believe. While some of you have gotten the idea of how I think and feel most of the time from what I write on this blog, I still hide a lot of my feelings. I used to be constantly depressed and I would act happy to appease others. Now I have found a way to make company hide my sadness from myself, even for periods of time that exceed those I actually spend with others. Basically what that means is that I've found people I can be around that make me happy. However, this is what makes me sad: I find myself to be the most mature person I know. That may seem like I'm just bragging on myself, but when you define immature as careless, unkind, rude, and selfish, then look at how I usually act, you might agree with me. You might think that being mature should not make me sad, but consider that for 18 years all I've done is grow up, and all I've wanted to do is to stay a boy.

This is where some of you laugh and jest, namely because I use the term boy. You think about things such as sex, alcohol, and parties. That is defined as lust and greed, for those of you who don't know, and that is being selfish. You may say, "But think of all the things you would miss out on!" I say I would rather turn in dealing with all the stressors I have now for the allowance to use my imagination than to get drunk and party.

For those of you that didn't immediately jump to that conclusion, thank you.

I've never been able to decide, really, what I want to do with my life. I really think that is because deep down in my heart I don't want to grow up. I think being a kid forever would be much more satisfying than being a doctor or a police man or an aerospace engineer...

But that's just me...

Savvy?

2005-05-03T08:46:00.000-05:00

This is where I vent my woes and angers, so here I go again:

My dad lost his job. This is bad and good. He has a year worth of wages coming in so that he has time to find a new job, and apparantly my parents have a lot of money saved up to take care of just this situation. On top of that, he doesn't ever have to do what he did with Sprint, which was basically evaluate employees performance and fire those who were not worth the money Sprint was paying them. Sound mean? Imagine doing it... I feel bad though. I'm glad I was raised where I did not get everything I ever asked for. My parents did their best to give me what I wanted without failing to instill and sense of reality as far as spending versus earning is concerned. They did an astounding job of it, and I have no idea how I will fare when someday I wear those shoes. From now on I'm going to be very... conserved in my spending. That means I'm not going to buy/ask for anything for quite a while. I am also going to try to get two jobs this summer and give the earnings of one to my parents as sort of a start on my reimbursement of all they've given me. On top of that, I'm going to try and get a job for the actual school year. I know this seems like I'm going overboard, but my Mom has been working for fun for a long time now, and my Dad was our family's main source of income. It is difficult to imagine that he doesn't have a job anymore... My Mom told me not to worry about it, that everything would be fine... I'm not doing a very good job of not worrying...

On a much lighter note, the three movies that are tied for my favorite spot are as follows: Sin City, E.T., and Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Sort of a way to break the long running depressing tone of the blog, that was.

Oh, and The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy was good. You should see it.

Don't read this if you want to be happy.

2005-04-13T03:34:00.000-05:00

I hate this world and everybody in it. Nothing is how it should be, no one acts the way they could, and happiness is a gift given only to the selfish and stupid.

This is where the post gets into my deep feelings. If you don't care to hear what I have to say, don't read this. If you're going to skim, skip this part. I'm only writing this for the people that will truly read and take to heart what I am about to say.

This is what I don't fucking care about:

I no longer care about love. I don't care about interaction with females other than what I have to put up with. I no longer care about serious friendship. This ties in with my lack of concern for love. I no longer care about owning a house or a car or a TV or a stereo or a computer or anything like that. Material goods shouldn't mean shit, but everybody lives thier lives centered around them. I no longer care about being good at guitar, or trombone, or math, or engineering, or singing, or writing, or reading, or telling jokes, or playing golf, or driving cars, or picking up chicks, or any of the other useless shit that people spend their lives trying to perfect for no Goddamned reason. I still don't care about God. I know he's up there, and I know he's watching over me, but I don't talk to him. Ever.

This is what I want:

I want a daughter. I want a little angel with sweet innocent eyes that stare up at me. I want a smile that can take my mind away from anything. I want a voice that can drown out a rock concert with a whisper. I want to pick her flowers and take her to places she's only dreamed about. I want to give her all the things she's ever wanted. I want to tuck her in at night and read her Harry Potter until she falls asleep. I want to give her a kiss on the forehead and wish her sweet dreams. I want to watch her grow up and become what she wants. I want her to know that there are guys like me out there. I want her to meet one with the knowledge, respect, and kindness that I have. I want to cry at her wedding. I want to spoil her children to no end. I want her to always, until the end of my days, have her daddy to turn to when things get bad. I want a perfect little angel.

My problem is I can't have that without all the things I don't care about.

I'm going to stop writing now. It's hard to see what I'm typing through tears.

I am posting for no reason.

2005-03-28T16:30:00.000-06:00

I've recently come to the realization that everyone I know minus 3 people are doing thier best to keep me out of any part of their life. Anyone I was friends with in highschool I almost never talk to anymore, and anyone I tried to be friends with in highschool apart from my usual friends would act nice in school, and completely ignore me outside of school. For example:

I sat behind a girl in statistics. We would talk a lot. I knew her somewhat before because she was my friend's x's friend. I often gave her back massages because I am "such a great guy". She told me about a tournament she was having one weekend, and how she would be really tense afterwords. I told her to give me a call if she wanted a massage when she got back, so she asked for my number. I gave it to her. She gave me her's as well. The weekend passed with no call. I asked why she hadn't called me that weekend, and she said that she expected a call from me, because when she gives out her number to a guy she expects him to use it. To me this implied that she wanted me to call her to go on a date. I called her the next weekend and left a messasge, which she denied getting and told me to call again next weekend. I did, and the same thing happened. After that I gave up.

Once in Norman, I've had much the same problem. The people that apparantly don't hate me are Jeremy, Cody, and Jesse. They've constantly been my friends through thick and thin since pledgeship started. Other people, though, have not been so nice.

During homecoming we were forced to pomp a float. Pomping is by far the most boring and unproductive process ever invented. It is made up of looping colored wax paper through chicken wire to make a sort of decorative covering for odd wooden shapes. I was in the back yard, pomping little Tommy Pickle's head and chatting with the AOPi's that were helping me. One of them seemed to be very intrested in me, and at one point she had to leave to do God knows what. Before she left, she made sure she got my name, and told me in an "I want your nuts" sort of tone that "[she] [would] definatly be back." She came back and we continuted to "ghetto pomp" Spike's tail because we were out of brown and gold. After this she went and started pomping a different piece of the side of the float, and so I joined her and invited her to our haloween party we were having the next weekend. She said she could go, and then quickly left, claiming she'd be back, w/o giving me her number. I went to the AOPi house and left a message with one of her older sisters, and recieved a call the day before saying she couldn't go to the party because they were having family night until 8 PM. The part didn't start until 9, and she knew it. I see her around campus and she smiles at me. Are people really that hollow?

Everyone I meet and try to get to know ends up shunning me from their lives. I'm down to 3 real friends. I'll probably get some highschool friends back during the summer when we can actually hang out, but at most it will be 4 or 5. The kicker is this: last night my best friend told me that she does not want to see or talk to me anymore. I am the past, and she doesn't want to live in the past, believing that something will work when there is no way it can. So after being bogged down by the ever present idea that everyone I know is pushing me out of thier lives, last night I got to say goodbye to my best friend for good.

On a more sarcastic note: I love this world.

I lied and decided to post.

2005-03-07T09:48:00.000-06:00

To any female that reads this: You go shopping, probably more often than you need to. You try on clothes for an hour, lots of times much more than that, and when your friends see something they like or just get tired of you trying on clothes all damned day they gleefully shout, "That's cute." Most of the time that cute article of overpriced fabric goes back on the shelf, because you know if you buy something every time you go shopping you'll probably end up living in a box with some rats and a roach and all your cute clothes. So answer this question of mine: Why do you wake up in the morning, shower, get dressed in all your cute clothes, put on makeup, and go out looking wonderful, and then scorn and scowl at guys when they look at you? Why is it that when a girl looks good, and I take notice of her, that I do not receive eye contact, but rather a frown that makes me feel like I've just raped her eight year old sister? If you're going to dress up and look nice, you will be noticed. If you don't want to be noticed, try looking like shit, or at least a little less flattering.

The End...

2005-02-14T23:16:00.000-06:00

This will be the last post. I am finished with this blog. Good night and sweet dreams.

New...

2005-02-08T13:17:00.000-06:00

I've been having a lot of doubts lately. Doubts about a lot of things. It's all very depressing, and I'm sure none of you want to hear about it, so I'll change the subject.

I really don't have anything else to say...

I went bowling with my parents this last weekend. They schooled me. I was trying to use spin though, which I have yet to perfect, so I was at a disadvantage.

That's all.

Have a good day, though.

WANG

2005-01-26T20:33:00.000-06:00

Binds when gripped
Two-handed Extremity
3,200-5,500 Damage Speed usually less than five minutes
(1 damage per hump)
Durability 5/5
Requires Skill Foreplay
Chance on hit: Cause a moan or possibly an orgasm, although not very likely (1-3%)

World of Warcraft

2005-01-10T16:40:00.000-06:00

It is slowly eating my life. I played it until 8:15 in the AM this morning so that I could get level 20. I succeeded. I was pleased with myself. Then I heard my dad leave for work, and I felt like an idiot for staying up so ridiculously long. Then I read my book for about half an hour before losing the ability to focus my eyes on the words. I promptly put the book down and passed out until 4PM. Granted this is not the latest I've slept this break, 5:15 being my record. However, this is the longest I've stayed up, and that should have some recognition.

This paragraph will be dedicated to my experiences with World of Warcraft. If you do not wish to read, I suggest skipping to the next collection of jumbled, incoherent phrases. "WoW" is a very good name for this MMORPG (massive multiplayer online role playing game). I have found myself, on numerous occasions, saying the word "wow" before I realize how stupid I must seem sitting in front of a computer, sometimes by myself, saying aloud a monosyllabic word with two double-us, in fact, a quadruple-u. I think it is worth the money I am spending on it.

Everything must only be taken thusly: If it is only worth five dollars to you, do not pay more than five dollars for it. If you are willing to spend $10,000 on a painting, then do it. If you don't think that certain painting is worth $10,000 dollars, do not give the artist that much for it. If a game is worth $50 up front and $15 a month, apart from the first month, and you think it is worth the price, why not buy it. Granted, you have to have money in the first place...

I miss a girl. I haven't seen her today. At least I haven't seen her in person. I've seen pictures. I wish she was here, or I there.

I don't know if anything is worth wishing for. Instinct makes me crave things to varying degrees, but what right do I have to wish for something I can't have. If you believe in God, it's like saying, "I know You said 'no', but pretty please?" How annoying would that get. All we ever do is wish for this or want that. I'm tired of searching. I wish I knew all the events of the rest of my life, laid out before me. I wish it was a script so I could read it and figure everything out. But then, think about this. Wouldn't it say, at some point in the exact present, that I sit down and read a script which says that I sit down and read a script which says that I sit down and read a script etc... It would make the book tremendously thick and the plot irreparably boring. It would then say that I skipped the whole "script" section to read about the rest of my life. I would then know all the answers. Who I will or will not marry. Who I will and will not forget. Who I will and will not ever know. Imagine how frightening it would be if I was handed the script and it started from the present (I would not need the past as I've already acted, or rather lived, through it) and went into the future until the exact moment of my death, and it was only about 10 or 12 pages. I believe I would not bother reading it, and rather give my mother a ring to say "hello and goodbye" along with something toward the notion of "I love you"...

I'm sorry. This is all terribly depressing.

If life was a book, would you want to read the ending and spoil it, or rather read it through?

I was asked that once. It made me realize that I'm not meant to know the answers to everything. That's why we are able to learn. That way we can pick up on things as we go. A wonderful idea. Give my regards to whomever invented the whole memory doo-hickey.

On another note, my popcorn seems to be finished. I started it some time ago, and I can now smell it all the way from the kitchen. I think I may go partake of it shortly.

One last point. What proof do you have that anything you don't see or hear directly actually exists? Go into your bathroom and close the door. How do you know that anything outside of that bathroom actually exists? What if the entire universe was just something that existed in your mind? What if the only things that were actually present were those directly in front of you? What if everything just disappeared when you didn't need it to exist?

I wish I didn't wish I knew all the answers.

I just need somebody to talk to...

Tear...

2005-01-01T01:11:00.000-06:00

I spent new years eve alone...

Almost... there...

2004-12-14T15:00:00.000-06:00

The semester is almost over, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That beautiful shining light that is friday at 11 when all my finals will be done and my first semester of college will be over. I can almost taste it. No, wait. That's just my mouth from sleeping too much and not eating enough. Well that can easily be remedied by the food I am about to eat and the studying I am about to do.

And for those of you who have not noticed: only 11 days remain until Christmas. JOY! Buy wait... that also means spending time with extended family that are both dumb and annoying (sorority?) and going through the motions of formal dinner and such. I think I'm getting that taste back in my mouth... At least I might get World of Warcraft and spend all my time next semester becoming a lvl 70 Night Elf.

But the break also means that I'll have x many weeks off from school where x > a high school break. No offense to anyone in highschool, but it sucks. This also means that I'll be able to see my baby for a period of time. Hopefully it's a long period, so that I can feel like I've actually gotten to spend time with her and not just a "Hi, good to see you. I have to go hang out with Chris. Bye."

Just kidding.

You wouldn't do that. <3

I need to take some pictures with her. I don't have very many so I'm bored of the ones I have. She says she doesn't have any of me, which I know is a lie because I gave her my senior pics as well as a large framed one, and I see pics of me on her desk when I visit her.

You can have some of me anyway.

I hope everyone is doing well with their finals/having fun at home while I'm trying to do well on my finals. Happy Chrismahanaqanzakah to everone.

Peace.

Home from Home

2004-11-29T02:18:00.000-06:00

I'm back in Norman again. Going into the Pike house felt really good. I guess I missed it while I was in Southlake. Maybe I like it there. Hopefully.

I had a good time in Southlake. I got in tuesday night. Adam and I stopped to watch the last quarter of his brother's highschool basketball game. They were owning when we got there, so the last little bit was just Preston's team rubbing it in.

We went to my house and Adam showed my parents his broken teeth. They were happy to see us. It had been some time. Adam left and I waited around doing almost nothing until Liz showed up. I got to hang out with her almost all week. We played halo. She played KOTOR. She's good at it too.

We went to Lauren's to watch a movie. There were lots of people there. Lots of people I hadn't seen in a long time. Once the movie started, only Tyler, Lauren, Michelle, Liz, and myself were remaining in the room. The rest apparantly didn't hold us in high enough regard to spend anymore time with us.

I also went to Tyler's for a bit. We soon left to town square to meet up with people. That was cool because the reason we were there was to talk, not to watch a movie. Then we left and went to Bryan's house. There was lots of fun to be had at Bryan's house, but I had to go pick up Liz when she called, so I couldn't have any of it.

I had Thanksgiving dinner with my parents and their friends and Liz. It was very good. The raviolies were especially delectable.

I was driving down White's Chapel and I saw the band unloading at the High School. I stopped to say hello and was invited to Chillies. I went. It was good. We had bottomless nacho's and ate about a bowl each. The meal was pretty good too. I saw Emo. He seemed to be doing well.

I beat Halo 2. It was a lot longer than I expected. I stayed up until 8:30 in the AM beating it. It was very good.

Now I'm back in Norman and I really don't want to get back into the cycle of things. Not yet, but I guess I don't have much of a choice.

Night, all. <3

Would you?

2004-11-15T03:50:00.000-06:00

Would you walk around with a ring on your thumb that's about to fall off just because it means that much to you?
Would you go see polar express because it's so silly and romantic that it doesn't just make her smile, it makes you smile?
Would you risk seeing her again after the last time almost killed you?
Would you lie next to her and just look into her eyes as long as you could?
Would you ask your mom if she can butt in on a new family tradition because you know she'd say yes before her heartbeat finished?
Would you give up all the sorority girls you're bound to meet in the next four years?
Would you not play Halo 2 until you could play it with her?
Would you actually try?
I would.

(28-19)
(12+11)(3^2)(18-6)(3*4)
(1*1)(24/2)(24-1)(5/5)(5*5)(10+9)
(48/4)(6+9)(20-2)(50/5)
(3*7)(27-12)(84/4)

<3

And I could die happy...

2004-11-07T17:35:00.000-06:00

When you look at her and she has wings and she seems to glow with light, and nothing else in the world matters when you wrap your arms around her, when you only want to live to make her happy, to make her smile, when all you need is one more kiss, that's when you know...

The part under "Me" is updated --->

?

2004-11-05T02:21:00.000-06:00

WYMMS?

ROCK!

2004-10-25T16:44:00.000-05:00

PARTY HARD AND NEVER GIVE IN!

Oh, and do what you think is right.

And bring me cake.

So, to summarise: Party, do what's right, bring me cake.

pets

2004-10-15T02:07:00.000-05:00

I will have a male beagle named Achilles.

I will have a female golden retriever named Glitter.

That's it so far.

Thank you...

2004-10-05T10:41:00.000-05:00

for tearing my life apart. I want to die. I hope you're proud of yourself. You've managed to take a life that was nothing but eager to make yours better and strangle the life out of it.

Everything I've ever know has been torn to pieces. I don't want to be a part of this life anymore.

Back in Norman

2004-10-04T14:43:00.000-05:00

This weekend was an eventfull one. I left Norman on friday at about 4:15 with Nick, and we made it back at about 10 mintues to 7:00. I went and found my parents and got to chat with them for a while. They were both really glad to see me. After that I went over to the side of the field where the band usually sits to try and find them, but they weren't there. I decided to go around to the visitor side to see if they were in the parking lot getting ready to leave as it was raining and the game seemed as though it may be canceled. They weren't in the parking lot either, and as I turned to head back to the home stands, and glint of green and silver caught my eye. Turns out the entire band was crammed under the visitor stands along with all the visitors. You may be wondering, what does crammed mean? Imagine taking one can of red playdough, one can of green playdough, and one can of black playdough, and putting them all into the red playdough's container. They were packed. Tightly. I got to see everyone from band that I wanted to see*. Lots of them want me to come back, and I would if not for a few reasons: I hate highschool compared to college; I hate how there's nothing to do in Southlake, and even though there's nothing to do in Norman, at least I can party; and one other reason that I will not say where anyone can read it*. I got to hang out with an enigma for the next small bit of time*, but then I went over to Brian Brady's house and met up with Steve. The next morning I got up and went to get my haircut. I cut all the blonde off the top, so I hope no one was too attached. After that I went over to Ashley's (Ashlee's) house to see her for a few minutes. She seemed excited to see me. I left soon after, though, and picked up Steve to go to the band competition. We did, as you may have read in his blog, go around the roundabout a few times. The competition was kinda cool. I got to see everyone again*. I felt special because I could just stand next to the buses and everyone I wanted to talk to came up to me*. Steve and I went to McDonalds, and I almost got run over. Steve saved my life though, and heroic music ensued. After we left, we went through the roundabout a few more times, then we went to Octoberfest at Town Square. It was kinda cool. There were lots of dogs there, including one that made us say, "Hey, look at that dog! Wishbone!" The lady proceded to walk over and introduce us to her new dog that did not yet have a name, but everyone decided she looked exactly like wishbone. We walked around for a while, then met up with Emily^2 and walked around some more. We left Town Square and went home for dinner, where I had pizza with my dad. After that we met back up with a bunch of people (see Marie's blog for the list of people*) and we went back to Octoberfest. I danced on stage with a disco band to YMCA, and all the drunk old ladies went wild. Marie showed up in her homecoming dance attire and another of the drunk old ladies tried to dance with her*. It was moderatly halarious. After that we went to Wilson's house to hang out. It was kinda sad because I knew I was leaving the next day and wouldn't see any of those people again for a long while. One hurt more*. I went home and went to sleep, and I didn't get a ride home the next day until 4:15, which got me in trouble with the pikes 'cause I was supposed to be back sooner, but that's okay. Overall, the weekend was just very highly charged, whether it was positive or negative depened on who was around*. I want nothing more than to stay here, and I want nothing more than to go back to Southlake. I'm just weird like that. If you don't like it, tough.

Today...

2004-10-02T17:34:00.000-05:00

Today has been the best worst day of my life. Southlake is so emo, but the people here are beyond amazing. I'm glad I don't have to come back here anymore, but I wish I could still have these people in my life. That's all I wanted to say... Peace...

props to dan on this

2004-09-29T10:18:00.000-05:00

what is life?

2004-09-26T23:11:00.000-05:00

I see it as the constant search to understand things that will never be understood. The problem with that is, we sometimes forget that we're supposed to be understanding things, or at least trying to, and we do things that, well, we don't understand. If you don't know where I'm going with this, and none of you should since the only person this involves doesn't read this, then you should just skip on to the next part. All I have to say is that I'm trying to decide if one of the previous nights was the best or worst night of my life. Sure there's a chance that it landed somewhere in between, but I'm not sure. Once again, more of that not understanding.

I have an eye infection in my right eye. It hurts. I have to put eye drops in 3 times a day for the next 6 days. When I put the eye drops in I can taste them in the back of my throat. This isn't very pleasant.

I failed my pledge test tonight. I didn't have the required number of goats, and I blanked out on 2 of the more important questions. On top of that, the bonus questions were rediculously difficult, and it doesn't really matter 'cause we're getting punished anyway. That's why I'm going to bed. I have to wake up at 4 to be at the house before 430 to clean until 730 for the next 3 days, and if anyone is one minute late past 430, we're all in for serious trouble.

On top of that, my roommate Adam is currently out. I don't know where he is, but he is with an organization of the University of Oklahoma. The organization will go unnamed to protect it's legitimacy. He's getting hazed. He will probably be left in a field. I get to go pick him up. Looks like a 2 hour nap for me tonight.

That's all. I'm having a horrible day. I don't know how it could be worse, but I'm sure it could... I hate it all... night...

:'(

2004-09-25T13:12:00.000-05:00

I have an eye infection. It might be pink eye. I am sad. It hurts, too. I have to go to the clinic now.

Emo...

2004-09-08T01:53:00.000-05:00

My days are good. I wake up early, struggle through class, clean the pike house, then spend the rest of the night in study hall. Don't ask me why I like doing it. I've hated it for the past four, no, probably 10 years. I love my new life in college.

But I still get sad thinking about things. I wouldn't change a thing in my life 'cause I don't want anything else to get screwed up, but it feels like something is missing. I just don't want to fill that missing hole for a few reasons. These are those reasons:

I am extreemly busy. The only time I get to spend with my friends is on the weekends, and that's usually only us doing stuff at the house. I don't want to take on something that will pull me away from the house. Even if it doesn't, it might pull me away from my school, and I'm managing to keep up with that.
I have had more than my fair share of relationships. No, that doesn't mean I've had sex with an uncountable number of parters. If you want to know how many people I've had sex with, ask me. I've had my share of relationships. Women and men are different, if you didn't know. We don't match up, but we want nothing other than to do just that. Relationships that are not "true love" always end up being a struggle, and I don't want to struggle right now.
I have more than one person that I would not mind spending a lot of time with right now. I, however, do not do that sort of thing. I have one and one alone (at a time (unless I'm really drunk)). Some of them are not here in Norman, and one is a guy... named Adam... my roommate... we fuck.
Disregard the end of #3.
Disregard #4.

If you want to hear more about this subject, you can talk to me in person. 8175218806. Peace.

Transatlanticism

2004-08-31T22:35:00.000-05:00

I hate my life.
I love my life.
I hate how much I love my life.
I hate how much I hate my life.
If I could change a single thing, I wouldn't.
Everything is perfect right now.
Nobody ever said perfect is easy...

PKA

2004-08-29T22:51:00.000-05:00

For those of you who did not know this previously, I am currently a pledge of the Greek house Pi Kappa Alpha. We had our first meeting tonight during which we basically got to know each other's responsibilities in the house a little better and learned some of the rules. Hopefully this semester is going to be awesome now that I'm a pike. Granted my life as I choose is over, basically I'll have no free time that isn't devoted to something before I know I have it, but I chose this life, so I guess it isn't. Think about that one until your brain hurts. Too late? Good.

Adam got a call from the ruf/neks tonight, which I think means he's in. That also means he's gonna get hazed like... well... you know. He was really looking forward to joining them though, so I'm really glad for him.

Also, if you are drunk, confide in me. I seem to be the go to guy when people are drunk and either need taking care of or just someone to talk to. It's already happened 4 times in the past two days, so gimmie a ring.

In other news, I love college, I haven't puked yet, and I'm addicted to popcorn. This room is freezing, and I have to be up early. Anything else you want to know, ask.

Have you ever had something happen that made you think your life was going great and shitty at the same time? I have. Today.

College

2004-08-25T19:14:00.000-05:00

I have a lot of calc2 hw to do, but I don't want to. That makes me a bad person. I will get over it.

I don't really feel like posting now. I'll get back to you.

Tonight I...

2004-08-18T23:35:00.000-05:00

Tonight I saw your blog. It had a picture of you.

Tonight I tried to change my blog. It didn't work.

Tonight I saw Kill Bill Vol. 2. It scared me when they buried her alive.

Tonight I listened to Nora Jones. It was called Don't Miss You At All.

Tonight I listened to Death Cab For Cutie. It was called Transatlanticism.

Tonight I listened to Dashboard Confessional. It was called For You To Notice.

Tonight I know I'm going to cry. It is comming no matter what.

Tonight I posted on my blog because I have no one to talk to, no one that will listen to me and give me the advice that I'll believe in, that I'd be willing to take, and I can't keep it all inside all the time. It really hurts.

Tonight I hope you read this and get so annoyed with my constant depression that you never talk to me again. It is much, much less than I deserve.

I did, and I will. You know it. But you won't. You know it. People will tell me that when I'm down, God will take care of it. People will tell me that when I'm down, I should fuck it and move on, there's always something better out there. You would listen. You would give me advice I could use. You would help. You would forgive. You still do. I don't believe I deserve it. You still do. You know it. If it wasn't for me always being wrong, everything could be right. I always screw things up. I'm sorry. You know it.

All I'm really good at is making people cry. I will always make you cry in the end. Always.

There is no hope for me, but I cannot give up hope. I don't know if that makes me a coward or if it means I'm brave, but I will not give up hope on anything. It isn't that I will myself not to, but rather it is not possible for me to do it. Must be something I picked up in my fool attempt to make myself perfect. But then, I suppose I haven't given up on that either...

I don't need this change in my life. I need a constant so I can think. I need time. I don't have it.

under construction

2004-08-18T18:37:00.000-05:00

working on blog...

...

2004-08-17T15:31:00.000-05:00

Have you noticed that whenever my title is "..." that it's not usually a happy post? This one doesn't break the cycle.

I'm really not doing so good right now. Everything is labored and burdensome anymore, and it's putting a lot of stress on me, especially with the idea of leaving home on friday. This is just me venting though. I can't blame anyone but myself, because everything in my life is falling to pieces, and everything has been my decision. That's what makes it all so much worse. Hind-sight is 20/20, or so they say. Knowing that I made a whole bunch of decisions that turned my life into exactly what I don't want and knowing that everyone else wanted the exact opposite but I did it all anyway makes me feel... well... exactly like I feel now... empty...

Out of tears...

2004-08-14T20:39:00.000-05:00

I went to visit someone this weekend. It was the worst idea I've had in a while. It was great to see her and chat with her and the like, but I wasn't visiting to chat. I was there entirely for the wrong reasons, and that's what made it a horrible idea. I'd like her to know I'm incredibly sorry for making things difficult for her.

Please forgive me.

I managed to make it home without crashing. Good thing tears are clear.

I have this feeling, now, that there really is no purpose for the rest of my life. I hope that's not true, but that's all I can see, or not see in this case. I feel like the rest of my future is going to have no real meaning to it. Maybe it's kharma...

Feeling sick...

2004-08-09T14:59:00.000-05:00

I'm home from work today because I threw up this morning. I wish that was the only thing wrong with me, though.

I miss the keeper of my dispatch cd.

Doom 3...

2004-08-07T01:13:00.000-05:00

is good. Buy it. If your comp can't run it, upgrade it.

So I leave for college in two weeks. I don't feel like I have any closure whatsoever at the moment, so leaving is going to feel like shit. I hope I can get everything worked out before then. I really... I'm just not finished with everything I need to do before I leave, and I don't mean I don't have my stuff together, I mean I don't have my shit together. I'm working on it though.

Hope everyone is well.

Night.

I am...

2004-08-03T13:17:00.000-05:00

at work right now, but I don't have to start "working" again for another thirty seconds, so I figured I'd take ten minutes to write a post. Well, lunch is over so I'd better start with the post.

So I'm in charge of front end now, 'cause Curtis just left for lunch, and Robert has been gone for like two hours. That means that when the strange tattooed truck drivers offer me candy and a ride in their "big truck", I have to politely tell them that not only am I considered an adult by society's standards therefore taking away from their hard-earned title of pedifile, but I am also "in charge" of the warehouse. Actually I've met a few of the truck drivers, and they are actually all regular people who didn't finish college (subtle injection of motivation?). So basically I have to unload any trucks that may show up in the next half-hour, and yes, that means driving the forklift. It'll be cool. I just have to act like I know what I'm doing 0:) .

So as for my life at the moment? I'm glad you asked. Actually I'm not. But I'm going to make you think I am.

Everything is going great. I have a job that's totally fun and pays super great. I have two weeks before I leave for college and I'm going to have so much fun partying all the time there. I have a great girlfriend and we have been having so much fun lately. My friends and I are having great times lately and everybody is doing fabulous. Everyone is in good spirits too. I think it's 'cause college is comming up soon.

Truth? All of that was a lie except for how well the job pays.

My job is not fun, but I don't mind because I get 10 dollars an hour. I have 3 weeks before I leave for college. I'm not going to get to party 'cause my major is extremely difficult and I will spend all of my time studying. I do not have a girlfriend because every time we tried to have fun lately it turned to shit. I hardly ever see my friends because I'm always at work, and I have to get up early, so I can't stay out late with them. Lauren got really sick yesterday. Some of my friends don't believe that she almost passed out at work just because she and Tyler have been spending a lot of time together lately. When they said, "Does she not have parents? Tyler has to take care of her now? I'm calling bs on that one." I felt like punching them in the face and walking away. I didn't. I should have. Instead I went home.

There are other things bothering me too, for instance, the previous post. I'll just straight up tell you, the quote is from Pitch Black and is spoken by Vin Diesel. I may take it back, but I haven't thought about it enough yet. Here's how I see it.

You believe in God. God is all powerful. God is almighty. God is all knowing. He knows everything you will think, say, feel, and do for the rest of your life and beyond. God created you. God made you who you are. God made your life before He created you. He planned it all out and had everything in line before He made you a physical being. Guess what that means. A man who goes insane and murders his wife and kids. God planned that before He created that man. A woman gets angry and kills her children with a pick-axe. God planned that before He created that woman. A man goes to work and gets a plane flown into his building killing him and thousands of others with him. God planned that before He made that man. That man's wife and children lose their husband, their father, and their source of financial income in one fell swoop and are forced to live in pain and debt for some time. God planned that before He made that woman, those children. A man and a woman become intoxicated every night and relieve their anger by beating their two year old son who has to suffer their blows for weeks, months, years, until the wounds get so bad he bleeds to death. God planned that before He made that boy. People don't make choices. God already has everyone's choices made up. God knows if a person will grow up to believe in Him, to love Him, before they're even conceived. That means God also knows if a person isn't going to believe in Him before they're conceived. Everyone who doesn't believe in God, who doesn't have Jesus in their heart, goes to hell. Everyone who has sinned and not gained forgivness goes to hell. So tell me why, when God is sitting up in heaven on His huge golden throne lapping in all that praise and worship, does He see that this man will be a murderer and a rapist and will burn in hell and add to the numbers of Satan's army, why does He still create that man? Life is a hoax, and God just wants the attention. When people started fucking up, He sent in the biggest flood the world had and will ever see. When they started fucking up again, He sent his son to make some miracles and get nailed to a tree. Ever wonder what He's going to do next time we start fucking up again? Next time you're worried about someone who's in danger, who's sick, who's just close to you and you want kept safe, don't worry about it. Don't ask God to keep them safe, because if they're going to be harmed, He's already got it planned out, and asking Him to change it won't do shit.

The only way I can see this work the way "christians" want it to, is that God is all powerfull and all knowing, but He does not exercise his knowledge of the future. If He doesn't ever look to see what's a bit down the road, then He can be the God we all want Him to be.

God does exist. He's proven it many time and to many different people, including myself. I just haven't decided between the two options yet, and that is why "I absolutely hate the fucker."

Quote...

2004-08-02T17:56:00.000-05:00

"You got it all wrong, holy man. I absolutely believe in God, and I absolutely hate the fucker."

If you want to know what that's from, or why I quoted it, give me a call at 8175218806 and ask.

I'm really not having a good day.

My mind...

2004-07-28T22:27:00.000-05:00

is so stressed right now that I don't think it's working right. If it is, then I don't know what happened to it this weekend. If it's not, I hope it gets better soon. I'm going to bed. Night.

Tell me if you can figure this out.

ICSTAAFYONL
PHM

I am home...

2004-07-26T00:16:00.000-05:00

from Dodson's lakehouse. It was so much fun. I managed to stay on top of the water while standing on a wakeboard for about six seconds, which, if you've never attempted before, seems laughable, but should you ever exert the effort needed for this grand action, you'll know it's moderately impressive for never having tried it before this weekend. I also discovered a young woman named Lindsey who is a phenominal poker player, and I have the desire to teach her how to perfect this profound talent hidden only slightly beneath the surface of her being. Granted she can often beat me and basically has my poker game figured out, so I'm not sure how much I can teach her, but I can give her a place to play and possibly make money. She is fourteen years of age however, so I am currently unsure of how the "guys" are going to react to her kicking their asses.

I must go to bed for now, however, because I think I got sick, and I am going to have to work a whole lot this week. I recently received employment from Ashley's mother working at TechTrans. I unwrap furniture, check it for damage, and rewrap it before it get's shipped so that when the customer claims we sent him a sink with a big crack in the polished marble top, we can say, "We have a picture and document of that exact sink and it has no crack in the marble, so you can shove that fucking expensive sink up your tight ass, bitch!" with the possible exception of everything after marble.

I hope I'm not sick. I feel horrible though...

Peace

Last night...

2004-07-12T13:19:00.000-05:00

I MET TYCHO OF PENNY ARCADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so amazingly happy. I went with Thom to Gameworks at Grapevine Mills where they were hanging out, and some guy decided to buy coke/beer (if applicable) and pizza for everyone there. It was really cool, 'cause even though we didn't get to chat with Tycho or even really meet Gabe, we did meet two guys from baylor who were just hanging out and some guy that graduated and was in the process of making Bloodrayne 2, and the little that he could tell us about it was really cool. I ate two pieces of free pizza, and I don't think my tongue bled at all.

Afterwords I went to volleyball and played horribly. I'm not exagerating. I did not do one thing right. Underclassmen seem to know about my body modifications for some reason. That's cool, as long as it doesn't spread to my parents. I hope I can pull out of my current volleyball slump soon, 'cause I basically lost the one game we played for my team. Srry guys.

That's about it. I've got to go wash my mouth out so my tongue doesn't fall off. Peace.

Pain

2004-07-09T10:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my 18th birthday, and this is what happened.
I got up late and sort of just hung out for a while, then I went to Reece's to deal their poker game and hang out there. After getting tipped two dollars, I went to the bank and took out $240, then went home and was told that I had reservations at Boi Na Brasa in half an hour, so I hurried to get ready. Dinner was amazing. I ate with my dad and Adam. I returned to my home to unwrap an offhand mp3 player and a large, framed, black piece of glass that was sand blasted and painted to have a trombone on it. The later of the two was badass. Soon after, Adam, one of his favorite people, and myself made our way to a tattoo parlor that had recently been bought and was under renovation, so we went on the long journey of trying to find another. We finally did and I got a hole put in my tongue by what must have been the nicest, sweetest, most pierced lady I've ever met. Not long after I was sitting in Chance's chair and letting him draw a picture in my back with a needle. The adventure was really fun, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I really like the results too. Adam got his cartilage pierced, and he looks like a badass. My mutilations, or as some would call them, modifications, fortunately, are all hidden until I want to reveal them. On the way home we stopped at the grocery store to get me new toothbrushes and some slim fast, then I came home and crashed. I believe it was a good birthday, but only because I made it so.

sigh

2004-07-07T01:37:00.000-05:00

My birthday is July 8th. Officially it's at 1:13 in the afternoon.

I'm not turning 18. I'm not turning anything. Don't wish me a happy birthday, because it won't be.

Yarghhhh

2004-07-04T13:15:00.000-05:00

Thar be booty off tha port bow, mates!

I was on a boat yesterday with some pirates. It was fun. The end.

Peace.

self help...

2004-06-30T13:36:00.000-05:00

everybody tell me at least 1 thing about me that you would change. i know i'm not good enough, that i don't live up to anyone's expectations, so tell me how i can be better. i've been trying for 18 years come next thursday to make myself better, if not perfect, as a person, and apparantly i failed. so tell me how i can actually improve myself to fit your standards so that hopefully i'll be able to be accepted into society.

i'm having a really difficult time with this whole not having/getting a job anywhere and my parents hating me more and more for it. apart from that i don't feel like i'm living up to anyone's expectations for me and it's really degrading my person. i think i figured out why i've felt like i have no energy anymore, and it's because i'm so worn out from people dictating how my life should be. when only a month or so ago i had a nervous breakdown and while trying to run away from my house crying, i collapsed on the side walk down the street from my house, i was told that i should live for me and not for anyone else. my father, who told me this, now gets angry and yells at me at least every day for not having/finding a job when truth be told if i looked for a job any harder i'd kill myself. i've been everywhere i've thought of, everywhere they've thought of, and everywhere anyone has even mentioned, and nothing. it's not like i tried a place and they said no, so i tried somewhere else and they said no, so i... i've put in applications to at least 30 places around southlake and every damned place has either ignored me or said no. i really don't think i'm good enough for this world, and it's really really depressing me. i want to run away or something... anything... go buy a tent and camp somewhere and never talk to anyone again... i'm just a failure at everything in life...

i really need someone to just tell me i'll be alright and that living for me isn't wrong... i need someone to say that i'm good enough and that i do matter, and i need someone to say that this isn't the end of the world... the only problem is that you're all going to say that and i'm not going to believe a single one of you...

bye.

A phone call away...

2004-06-26T01:53:00.000-05:00

...from happiness? Maybe...

I saw Fahrenheit 9/11 tonight. It was really good, that is, in getting it's point across, which is that Bush is a complete dolt, and that the whole incident with IRAQ and Terrorism and the like was a huge fuck up brought to you by the Bush Administration. Other than that, the movie was really good too.

I had a job interview this morning at 9:30 for a position at Super Target. I think it went well; they seemed to like me enough. If I do get the job I'll be working alongside Sam Graff, which is a really cool deal seeing as Sam is a fun guy.

I started to play SWKOTOR again, and I've realised that while the action in the game may have it's strong points, it's entirely boring. Don't get me wrong, the game is amazing, but it is so because of it's story, it's voice acting, it's story, it's visuals, it's story, it's combat system, and it's story. Take, for instance, the example of a mission where you must collect the bounty on a civilian, placed illegaly because a crime lord had a bad day, so you can get in good with the local thugs to allow you to hijack a ship and leave a planet under quarintine. Sounds adventureous, huh? Well 90% of the mission will consist of walking from one location to the next, 5% in talking to various NPCs (non-player-characters), 3% in accomplishing your objectives, and 2% in fighting. Add all this up and you've got one heck of a game to fall asleep to when you didn't sleep well the night before because you had a few to many bad dreams. Mainly what I wanted to say was that I like the game, and I believe that the actor they chose to play Carth Onassy is unbelievably talented and deserves fifteen times what he got paid for his services. Also that the twist in the plot in the middle of the game (If you've played it, you know. If not, go play it.) was one that makes me play the game multiple times just to experience the rush and awe that wells up in me at such an epiphany.

Os reh evol I dna Yelhsa ym ssim I.

New York, New York

2004-06-23T21:57:00.000-05:00

I have things to say, but I don't think anyone wants to read them. So I'm just going to say "hello" and that "I'm still alive" and such. Peace.

bleh...

2004-06-20T11:53:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be fairly depressed until July 3rd, so if you'd like to help our I gladly welcome you to try. It will be appreciated. Thanks.

Build me up...

2004-06-19T13:39:00.000-05:00

then let me down... That's how today's been. I'll post more later.

sad...

2004-06-17T12:48:00.000-05:00

I'm going away to New Jersey and never comming back. I'm not exactly happy about that...

WHAT'S THIS?

2004-06-15T23:36:00.000-05:00

A POST? AMAZING! And since it has been so long since I've posted, it's going to be a long one.

For all of you that went out and wasted your money on Harry Potter 3, I hope you're as dissapointed as I was. It was horrible and a complete waste of my time. It destroyed all the work that my imagination put into what is quite possibly the greatest book I've ever read, and I don't take kindly to that sort of thing. For those of you that went to The Chronicles Of Riddick, however, I hope that you were as splendidly pleased as I was, though I can never get enough of the shine vision, and there wasn't much of that. Wonderfull none the less.

Speaking of Riddick, I also purchased and beat the game. Escaping from Butcher Bay was fun, but I don't think I did enough killing in a Riddick-Style or manner. Take for example Aliens vs. Predator. One can, while playing as the alien, destroy all the lights and hunt by seeing the glow of the pheromones of the enemys while they try to find you in the total darkness without soiling themselves too many times. As much with the predator, you can cloak so as to stand inches from your enemy and lob his head off without him noticing until it's a bit too late while his buddies either run screaming or shoot in every direction they can reach. In The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape From Butcher Bay, removing the lights with your handy shotgun to take full advantage of the shine vision loses it's effect as 99% of your enemys carry either a shotgun or a rifle, both equiped with flashlights, or they are riding in a mech of some kind which alerts them of life signs. This takes away from the fun of being Richard B. Riddick and not needing light to see. The guns are also rather dull in the game, which is why you'll find yourself using shivs, poles, or just your fists for most of the game, and not just when you're forced to. The game looks like a dream, especially on X-Box, and it plays like one too after you get the hang of the controls.

Speaking of games, I've been eating at this bowl of popcorn for about an hour now, and it won't run out. Have I found a never-ending source of salty, buttery goodness? I think not, but a man can dream... a man... can dream...

"You're not afriad of the dark are you?"

So I went on a road trip. There's not much to say other than it was awesome and I loved it and there were so many nice cars and it was a blast from begining to about half way then it went downhill. The 18 hour drive home (without stops other than gas and switching drivers) was hard as hell, but getting home that much sooner was joyous.

A bit after I got home Ash invited me to the birthday party of a 3 year old she babysits for. It was a blast. I had so much fun. It was like going to a place filled with little kids and adults that you didn't know, then just standing around for a while and not really doing anything. Yeah, kinda like that. It's alright though. I forgive you Ash. You're not a horrible person, I promise.

I continue to munch at the popcorn, and it continues to rebel against my comsumption.

At last you have reached what may be the end of this rather enormus post, that is unless I think of something else to say.

AH HA! I've come up with something.

Upon the comming of my 18th birthday (which happens to fall on Thursday, July 8th), I am going to get both a tattoo and a tongue piercing. Scary shit, huh? Yeah. This is somewhat what it will resemble, only without the crown, left more on the back of my shoulder, larger, and less fat. Is it just me, or am I turning into a punk?

The popcorn continues to thrive.

And this is the end. Take care all and God bless. Until next time. Peace.

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow...

2004-06-04T13:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got up really early to take Ash to IHOP, even though I don't really like IHOP at all... It was alright tho. We went back to her house and hung out for a while until we were joined by Caroline and Merritt. We then went swimming at my house. I got her home at like 8:40, but I think her rents wanted her home at 6, even though she called and got more time. I think she got in trouble. Srry Ash.

Last night I slept horribly. I woke up about 6 times, one of which I was so hot I had to lie on the floor for half an hour to cool off.

Today I have to do thank you notes, and I'm going to go see HP3 with Cwiks in about 30 minutes. I also have to pack for tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'm leaving on a road trip with Merritt up to Wisconson with car shows every night. I'm sure I've told you all about this already, so I'll leave it at that. I PROMISE NO ROAD GIRLS!!!

That is all... Peace.

...

2004-05-30T00:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I understand people. This happens about as often as the earth makes a full orbit around the sun.

I take that back. I usually understand people. Sometimes though, people do things I don't understand. It's easy to read people. It's like reading a story. You'll find typos, though, that don't make sense, and never will, that you have to simply skip over to continue reading.

I'll end with another quote from myself, which I might make a regular part of my posts, because I can usually think of something witty to say.

"Treat everything you find like gold. When you find something that treats you like gold, that's love."

I decided not to end with the quote. This post seems to be quite a lot of "stream of consciousness". Deal.

Is there any girl out there who is satisfied with how she looks? I don't think there is. I think that all of you feel like you're ugly and you all have lists that you want to change to better yourself. The thing is, sometimes you get off your asses (pardon my french) and make thigns happen so you can cross off something from your list. The problem with that is, is that you immediately replace it with something else, so you never really get anywhere. Everyone ends up spending lots and lots of money and turns out looking like a Victoria Secret model. That changes your attitude on life so that you look down on all the other girls that are in the same place you were when you started. Here's an idea: be a little more optimistic about who you are. Think about what's good about you and focus on that. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to look good and make yourself feel like an attractive person, but seriously, you'll get along a lot better with people if you buck up and admit that you're not as bad as you think. It may make for good conversation with your boy toys when you complain that you're too fat or your boobs are too small or you're not as pretty as that girl over there with the makeup done professionally, and I know you like to hear us say that that's all false and we like you the best (and we always will, because you'll hate us if we don't). It doesn't get you anything except forced compliments, and sure those are great, but wouldn't you rather we come up with witty ones that you don't expect?

Sorry, I'm a little opinionated tonight. Just the mood I'm in. Night all. Peace.

College?

2004-05-27T22:18:00.000-05:00

So I graduated tonight. Woo. I'm actually really excited about it, but I'm kinda tired so I'm saving as much energy as I can for project graduation. Today was a much better day than the days I've been having, and by much better I mean I learned how to play WC3 without being obliterated by the computer. That made me happy. I made a friend today. Her name is Becky Breets. I sat next to her at graduation, and I'm probably not ever going to see her again. Isn't that incredibly depressing?

I am eating cheese...

Now on a note about choir banquet in the form of a single word question and a short quote by myself.

Jealous?

"My momma always told me not to play with the girls' hearts.
My momma always told me to clean my room, not to play with my food, not to pick up bugs, not to say bad words, to be peacefull, to eat healthy, to respect all my elders, to eat everything on my plate, not to talk to strangers... My momma always told me not to play with the girls' hearts, and I never listened..."

Love is just a game, but I play it like my life is on the line. I'll give you a direct answer if you ask a direct question, and I'll always tell you the truth. If you ask me a question to try and get something out of me, I'll tell you only what you need to hear to have your question answered, even if it has nothing to do with what you asked, but I will only tell you the truth. If you want to play with my heart, be prepared for hardball, because I don't play easy, and I don't give up without a hell of a fight.

This and That, A Choir Banquet Story

2004-05-22T20:02:00.000-05:00

Here's the run down of the evenings events. I went over to Ashley's house at about 5:45 in my brand new black suit which I picked up yesterday. I love that thing; it's so nice. When I got there, Ashley's friend was still doing the hair, so I got to stand around and listen to Unreal Tournament 2004 for about ten minutes. I thought about going into the other room and hanging out with her brother while I waited, but decided against it. I later discovered it was her dad playing, and he was in the lead most of the time (a voice shouts "You have taken the lead!" when you get the best score on the server) which leads me to believe that I'm going to have a daughter exactly like her when I reach that age. So far I'm taking the daughter part as a good thing and the video games as a bad thing... So Ashley's friend and her date showed up after about 5 minutes, and everything was dandy. We went up to the Marriot across from DFW airport and made our way inside, but we were about half an hour early, so we chilled for a while. After they let us in, we chilled some more, and I talked to Little Morrison for a while. That kid is the coolest. We ate dinner, which was decent, we listened to awards, which was horrible seeing as I'm not in choir and I don't care, we watched the video, which was far from entertaining, and then we danced to the worst songs ever written. Ashley kept telling me she was nervous but wouldn't tell me why, which of course means that she wants to tell me, she's just shy. Her friend ended up leaking it to me that it was her first real "date" which I thought was cute, but it made her really embarassed, so I had to tease her about it. The rest of what happened is for me to know and for anyone that wants to know to ask me in person. I did get called everything you saw on the other blog, so if it seems interesting about what might have happened, go ahead and ask. I'll tell you I feel bad about it, even though I shouldn't.
Peace.

People...

2004-05-19T21:24:00.000-05:00

Here's a list of people that cheer me up seemingly every day so that I don't freak out and break down:
Merritt, Balfour, Hampton, Cwikla, Corey, Shaum, Zach, Gunter, Dodson, Tony, David, Liz, Little Morrison, Marie, Ashley M., Ashley J., Barry on occasion, Kaminski, Laufer, Florez, Mikey, and Montague.
That's a really big list, and I'm greatful for everyone on it (some more than others), but it shows you how much trouble I have maintaining a pleasant disposition. Anyway, I've got to go. Thanks to all of you.
Peace.

Please...

2004-05-18T23:21:00.000-05:00

Je serai votre épaule pleurante. Je serai le suicide de l'amour. Je serai meilleur quand je suis plus âgé. Je serai le plus grand événement de votre vie.

I'll be your crying shoulder. I'll be love's suicide. I'll be better when I'm older. I'll be the greatest event of your life.

Pondering

2004-05-17T20:34:00.000-05:00

What happens to your life when you do what comes naturally? What happens when you don't think, you just act? What happens when consideration goes out the window and you do what feels right? If you don't feel the right things, your life goes out the window with consideration...

Noobs

2004-05-16T00:29:00.000-05:00

I've added some new people to my links list. Eric Morrison's on there now, and my future roommate Adam Merritt started his blog. You should ckeck them out, give 'em comments to make them feel loved (not that they aren't...).

Band banquet was actually a whole lot of fun last night. I was extreemly surprised and quite impressed. The director speeches lasted a total of about 30 to 45 minutes. That's total, not each. The DJ managed to play good songs, including my favorite dancing song which is none other than "I love the way you move" by Outkast. After that I had some coffee at Denny's which Reece paid for from the two dollars I earned from dealing their poker games earlier that day. Overall, friday was a really good day.

Today was pretty good too. We played at the Main Street Days Festival in Grapevine. 2nd band played really really well, and we pretty much blew everyone away. Both bands took 1st place in their division. We went to the Nesbitt's house afterwords for a mandatory party which was pretty cool. Not much happened. My team won a vollyball game in the total dark, and Pierce and Fox cooked some really, really good food. After that I went to the last strains of Liz Stockton's Graduation party. The six of us basically sat around and talked about nothing.

I hope to sleep well tonight, 'cause I've been having some trouble with that lately. Hope everyone is doing well (is it just me, or do I always say that?) Peace.

Goo

2004-05-13T23:50:00.000-05:00

I'm writing the new blog page from scratch, and it is starting to suck. It's like, "Hey! Let's build a house!" So you build a house with straw and paper and mud, and everything is fine. Then, a storm sweeps in and says, "Yeah... you might want to rethink that house, 'cause it's screwed when anything complicated comes up." So basically it's really hard to do, especially since I did not take any comp-sci classes and therefore am figuring it out literally as I go which is why it is limited to the very basics of the programming. I might just give up and try my hardest to make someone else's look the way I want, but I kinda wanna accomplish this.

I had my last band concer tonight. It was really sad... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sorry. *tear of laughter* At one point, I was talking to my friend Tony about how glad I am band is almost over, when I hear Teddy Behrends say my name into the mike. It turns out I won an award for leadership and merit. Represent. I saw Lydia there. She looked like she was well. I saw Kierstin too, but that's no biggie because I saw her last night at volleyball. I also saw someone else there that made me sad... but that's my business, so lay off.

On a happier note, C natural.

If you haven't heard, Gary Oldman is going to play Sirius Black in the third Harry Potter movie. I'm rather excited about that one. Also, a new M. Night Shyamalan (director of Signs and The Sixth Sense) movie is comming out. It's called The Village and it looks really good.

E3 is going on currently and from what I've seen they have some amazing shit comming out, and none of it seems to need more delays. It's going to be a good summer in the virtual relm. Take my word for it.

I have more to talk about, but I'm tired, so I'll do it some other time. Peace.

Leaving Soon(er)

2004-05-13T17:24:00.000-05:00

High school is done. All I have left to do is to go to graduation and make it official. I'm kinda excited, kinda nervous. I'll be alright now. I'm setting up a new blog that my roommate Adam and I are going to run. I hope it turns out alright. I have a band concert tonight that's really going to suck, but I'll survive. Been keeping busy, at least busy enough to not get enough sleep, but that's okay. I've got to go eat and get ready soon, so I'll leave you be. Hope everyone is well. Peace.

AP = Apocalyptic

2004-05-07T00:22:00.000-05:00

Two AP tests down, two to go. I'm done with stats and english, now I get to look forward to physics (yah) and government (boo). Thankfully, I don't have to do much in any of my classes anymore, which means staying out late like I did tonight. We had a jazz concert tonight. It went well. I saw a guy I met at church band there. It turns out he's a professional jazz trombonist and Mr. Pierce asked him to teach one of the middle school jazz bands. That was kinda cool. After he got done and before I warmed up, I went and talked to him in the audience. He's really cool. He said he had a daughter in 8th grade who played oboe. I'm pretty sure he wasn't trying to set us up because I think he knows I'm a senior. Anyway, we performed, and I folded all over my solo. I was shaking so hard when the song finished. After the concert we went to dove park for some volleyball. It was pretty fun. And now I'm at home, and after a busy day, I feel like crashing, 'cause even tho I'm not doing anything tomorrow (apart from a forensics test), I still have to get up early. Peace.

Have you ever?

2004-05-02T22:14:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wished things were just black and white?
Have you ever wished every decision you had to make was easy?
Have you ever wished everyone had the same opinion as you?
Have you ever wanted to do what you wanted, but couldn't because it conflicted with what everyone else wanted?
I have...

learning...

2004-04-28T23:46:00.000-05:00

You can be taught facts...
You have to learn life...

...

2004-04-28T22:52:00.000-05:00

I'm dying... inside...

Post Band Trip

2004-04-25T23:53:00.000-05:00

It sucked... It had it's ups and downs, but the ups did not come close to making up for the downs, and now I'm left contemplating whether I should even talk about it. I will just to entertain you. We got there and had no time for anything, so the people with energy destroyed each other in the pool, the geeks played video games or watched movies, and the cool people (I consider myself one of the "cool senior guys" that all the girls want to flirt with even though there didn't seem to be much of that at all) sat in the hot tub and talked about meaningless blather. Second day all our bands cleaned house and jazz bands destroyed anything that resembled competition, and then more time was spent doing absolutely nothing. Third day was spent playing volleyball. My team won the tournament. Our prise was a bucket of candy, water guns, and twisty baloons which I made into to various dogs at the request of some of the more attractive girls that were amazed at the fact that I figured out how to make them in about 25 seconds. After that we had a jam session that a bunch of old people showed up for (it was outside next to the pool and the shuffleboard courts) as well as about 30 studens, some of whom danced. It all made us feel really good, especially when I played a bad ass lick on my break on a Bb blues tune. If you don't understand that, basically everyone stopped playing and I played really high, really loud, and really fast and it sounded good. After that Zack Cunningham, who I happen to admire grealy for his talent and skill at both guitar and being a stud, and I played and sung a few songs for most of the few good looking females who went on the trip. That was fun because I've never sung better in my entire life, so I felt almost up to par with Zack, and singing and playing guitar while having it make six attractive females all smile and walk the edge of blushing makes one feel rather good about oneself. Now that everything good is out of the way, I'll give you the bad. If a boy was anywhere near a girl, they got nasty looks. If they were alone, anywhere, they got yelled at. If they touched, they were pretty much sent to their rooms. I got massive sun burn which is now making me feel like shit, and I had a piece of sand in my eye up until I got home and managed to wash it out so my eye is really hurting at the moment. My room had the privalge of loading everyone's luggage onto busses this morning in the pooring rain while they stayed under the balconies waiting for us to relieve them of their burdens. So basically, everything good that happened got negated by a bad thing, and then a bad thing took it's place giving my previous statement... It sucked.

Band Trip

2004-04-22T00:11:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow (which starts in 1 minute) (well, there it goes) I am going on a band trip to Corpus Crusty. Setting may not be great, but at least I'll be missing school. I saw The Punisher tonight with Adam Merritt. It was really cool. I also watched Kill Bill Vol. 1 today for the first time and I was amazed at how good and how bloody it was. That's really all that's new with me. Prom was fun. Woo. Ummmmm. I've been putting in countless hours on my friend David's passion project for english. He's making a video of how to play Counter-Strike which, at first, may seem rediculous and ghey and stupid, but if you saw the video you'd think it was awesome. If you still thought it was rediculous and ghey and stupid after you saw it, you could suck my cock 'cause altogether we've put about 20+ hours each into making this thing. If you know that and watch it and still think it's dumb, I hate you. Anyway, that's it for my life. I'll catch ya after the trip. Peace.

Zombies and such

2004-04-05T21:53:00.000-05:00

I hate school. It is the sole source of all things evil. Well, at least high school is. I hoping things get better after this year. Everything is going well if you can consider going well as me surviving. I'm having near fatal attacks of procrastination, for example the 47 problem stat packet due in two days which I have yet to start. Other than that I should be good, so I might want to start that soon... If you play video games, and you happen to have the funds to have purchased the online PS2 connection, I recomend getting Resident Evil: Outbreak. It's actually really fun despite how dumb your partners really are. Well, that's all I have for today. I've got to go work on some homework now, so I'll catch ya later. Peace.

recently...

2004-03-29T17:07:00.000-06:00

I'm on probation! Woo! 80 in a 65. Gotta love it. What can I say? I'm a speed deamon. The ladies love it. Apart from that, I got my tux for prom today, and it's freakin' badass. I can't describe it because of unmentioned parties that might read this and need to be surprised by how awesome it is, but if I ever found out how to put pictures on this thing, I'll post some to show you. I'm fully aware of how infected and infested I am with senioritis. I have plenty of work to be done, and I can assure you all fully that none of it will be seen by my eyes within the next few weeks, and only when I throw it out will I remember that it should have been worked on. I'm playing the Lineage II open beta and it's pretty bad ass. If that's your thing I recomend it. I saw Dawn of the Dead last weekend, and despite everyone telling me it sucked, I liked it. It entertained me, and that's what matters. It's really gross though, so if you have a weak stomach, I recomend staying away. That's about all for the life of Tim lately. I'll hit ya later when there's something interesting happening. Peace.

so... tired... can't... use... pronouns...

2004-03-27T16:20:00.000-06:00

I got up at 5:45 this morning to go to a jazz competition at quad-C (Collin County Community College). Our lead player, Jason Cha, failed pre-cal, so he was not allowed to compete. Fortunately for the rest of the band, he was replaced by Eric Gurerro (sp?). That made playing a lot more fun/enjoyable/it sounded so much better. It's going to be a big dissapointment when we have to play with Cha again, but I think we can deal... maybe... After that I came home, got changed, and went to Daniel Dodson's house where we loaded up his Yukon (we being Daniel, his dad, Tony and myself) and took their boat out to lake Louisville. The water was 56 degrees, so being the smartest of the three younglings, I didn't try wakeboarding because I like my balls outside of my body and hanging with moderate size. I say "try" wakeboarding because Daniel has yet to master getting up, and by that I mean he face planted about 6 times before getting back on the boat and shivering for a few minutes. It was all fun and happy, but I'm exhausted, and I'm going out to dinner with my Grandmother and Aunt (mom's side) who are visiting for a while. After that we're probably going to play volleyball (we being Tony, Daniel, myself and anyone else we can accumulate), which means that rest might be in order should I wish to survive this evening. I don't like to waste time sleeping, but I do enjoy rest, so I'll sacrifice one for the other and lay down for a nap in about 5 minutes. Hope everyone is well. Stay active. When you do stuff, it makes you happy. When you feel down, like you don't want to do anything or deal with anyone, do something and deal with people, they make you forget whatever's bugging you. It's had to get used to, but it works. Peace.

I have titles now! ^(^,^)^

2004-03-22T17:51:00.000-06:00

I have titles now! ^(^,^)^

Kinda redundant... huh...

Cool beans

2004-03-22T15:56:00.000-06:00

Thanks for teaching me that one sugar. ;)

2004-03-18T01:52:00.000-06:00

She sat at her desk, thinking back to how happy she had been yesterday... how happy she had acted this morning... how depressed she was sitting at her desk... alone. She thought about him, sitting at his desk, thinking about how happy he had been yesterday, how happy he couldn't act this morning, and how sad he was now that he knew she was miserable. She thought about his big blue eyes, how each one held in itself an entire universe, how the colors played off the light, dancing and sparkling in the most beautiful hues she had ever seen, how she knew that each tear that fell from those eyes, and not many did anymore, held a little bit of his soul, and that made each drop priceless, how when he looked at her with those eyes, he could see into her heart... see true love. That made her think about how he had let true love slide. She thought about his arms, how they looked sexy, even though they weren't the most muscular arms she had ever seen, how they wrapped around her just right, how she felt more safe and warm and comfortable in those arms then any other place on earth. That made her think about how those arms had let go. She thought about his hair, how it looked so sexy when it was all spiked up, how she could tickle him by brushing her fingers across the top of it, how it looked so cute when it was all fuzzy with no gel in it, how she loved how soft it felt when she would run her fingers through it, how he became entirely relaxed when she scratched his head. That made her think about how she wouldn't be the one to feel how soft his hair was anymore. She thought about his hands, how they were so gentle, but had strenght when they needed it. That made her think about how she wouldn't hold his hands anymore. She thought about his lips, how they were so soft and smooth, how they sent shivers through her whole body when they touched her neck, how they made her heart melt when they touched her lips, how they, some way or somehow, always, without fail, made her feel better about anything that ever made her sad. That made her cry. She sniffled. She sobbed. She bit back her tears and sat up straight. There was a world out there, and she was afraid of it. He had always helped her through the worst of it, but he wasn't going to help this time. One last tear rolled down her cheek. She let it fall to the floor, carrying with it all her doubt, all her remorse, all her fear. She stood up and opened the door. She stepped out into the world and met it head on, and the world had never seen anything like her in it's entire life.

He sat at his desk and wrote. He wrote what he felt, what he knew, what he wished for. He wrote for her, because it was the best he could do, even though she deserved more. He wrote all that his heart could say... then he cried.

"You have to let go now. It'll be okay."
"How do you know? How do you know something bad isn't going to happen?"
"...I don't..."
~Finding Nemo

2004-03-15T02:57:00.000-06:00

Blog time... I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm getting myself into. Half of me wants it, half of me doesn't want it, and the other half is laughing at the first two halves because they both don't know what they want. I changed me, and I can feel myself going back to what I used to be, and I don't know if that's what I should do... I'm going to sleep on it... Hopefully I'll have a better understanding tomorrow... Night...

2004-03-10T20:59:00.000-06:00

Ok, so blogger fucking ate my template so I had to start from scratch and fix everything... basically if that happens again I'm going to scrap this stupid thing, other than that I'm having a really slow and not all that pleasant day... hope your's has been better.

2004-03-10T15:00:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head... where I would impress you... with every single word I said... would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming... and you'd want to call me... and I... would be there every time... you'd need me... I'd be there every time... But for now... I'll look... so longingly... waiting... For you to want me, for you need me, for you to notice me...

2004-03-07T20:01:00.000-06:00

I'm going to try this blogging thing one last time...